


In Your Sweet December Haze

by fourdrunksluts



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas, Home for Christmas, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:34:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28307580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fourdrunksluts/pseuds/fourdrunksluts
Summary: It fills Ashton with a thick sadness, thinking about how little he keeps in touch with everybody. It's not intentional, it never is, but talking to anybody, bringing back memories and making the past seem like more than just a concept, it's like cement bullets ripping through his heart."Sometimes talking to you reminds me too much of Calum," he finally admits."You know…" Mali places the kettle on the stove and turns around. "He never told me what happened, but whatever it was broke you both."Ashton doesn't confess anything, but he's been living in pain for the past decade almost, and as much as he wishes Calum's been thinking about him too, he hopes for him to be at peace.-It’s been years since Ashton’s last seen his best friend's dorky little brother, Calum, but when their families decide to get together for their first shared Christmas since they were all kids, it’s more than just the holiday spirit that pulls Ashton in.
Relationships: Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 52
Collections: 5 Seconds of Ficmas





	In Your Sweet December Haze

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from _Waterfall_ by With Confidence

**December 24, 2008**

There’s a chill in the air despite the puffy black coat Ashton’s wearing. He was going to wear his own, but Mrs. Hood’s is much warmer - the chill running through him would be ten times worse if he’d worn his own sweatshirt. He has to remember to grab a hat and a pair of gloves from the rack by the front door. 

The package in his left hand is heavier than it has been the past few years, but that’s all Mali-Koa’s fault. Last year she was in charge of picking out their trophy, and she chose one made of a thick metal as opposed to the typical plastic bobble that they’ve been prone to selecting in the past. 

“Watch your step!” 

At Mali’s panicked shout, Ashton tenses up, holding his breath, and looks down to see he was about to step on the third stair from the bottom, the one the squeaks through the entire house and has gotten them in trouble more than a few times. He almost gave them away. 

Leaning down further, Ashton skips a step, not letting himself breathe until he’s off the staircase and heading towards the door. 

Every year, Ashton and Mali sneak out of their houses just before midnight on Christmas Eve and walk to the center of town together, so they can do what they call their ‘tradition’. It’s been six years of it, and it only gets better and better as time goes by. 

They’re almost out the door, tiptoeing to the entryway as they slip their gloves and hats on, when the stair creak loudly behind them, and suddenly there’s a five-foot ball of energy hurtling towards them wearing a thick, loud puffer coat over his rocket ship pajamas. Ashton rolls his eyes - of _course C_ alum would try to join them again. It’s a miracle that it took him this long to try and catch up, in all honesty. He's always tried to hang out with Mali and Ashton but he's too young and loud, and the second things go wrong, he always starts to cry. Ashton doesn't want him lurking around and ruining their fun. 

“Wait for me!” It’s loud, echoing through the cold living room, and Ashton scoffs. 

“Calum, you can't come,” he whisper-shouts. “You're too young, and we don't want to babysit you.” 

Calum pouts, making a _hmph_ sound in the back of his throat. “I’m twelve,” he tries to defend, “I haven't had a babysitter in like a whole year.” 

“You're still not mature enough.” 

“I'm only two years younger than you,” he snaps. His voice is rising, where Ashton only gets quieter - another point of proof that he isn’t ready for the tradition. 

“Which means that I'm two years older, smarter, and better,” Ashton tells him, listing each word off by putting a finger up from where his right hand was balled into a loose fist. 

Calum’s bottom lips shakes, and though Ashton knew their disagreement would end in his tears, but the fact they’re already showing is very telling. “But Mali’s _three_ years better than you!” The words come out choked, and his foot stomps alongside them. “Why do you always wanna hang out with her and not me?” 

“Because she's not a dumb baby,” Ashton explains plainly, and Calum’s eyes start to water. “Go to bed before you wake up your parents and get us all in trouble. 

Calum sniffles, his eyes wet and cheeks red, as he turns and runs up the stairs, the sound of his pounding steps resonating far too long in the silence of the night. 

“Be nice,” Mali whispers. “You know he looks up to you.” Ashton rolls his eyes exaggeratedly enough for Mali to catch on. Calum’s always latching himself onto him and it's getting ridiculous. He doesn't want to be pushed with some kid. “Some might even say he has a crush on you.”

It makes Ashton laugh, the idea of that, and it’s louder than he means it to be`, so he shoves her. “Shut up, Mali, you're so dumb.” They giggle for a moment, and as Mali reaches for the door, Ashton asks, “Do you think your brother’s temper tantrum woke your parents up?”

For a moment they sit silent, keeping their ears open for any movement, any sign of life in the house, but they hear nothing. “We're good,” Mali decides, her hand completing the path and opening the door. “Let's go.” 

  
  
  


**November 3, 2020**

Not even four minutes after Ashton’s yoga class lets out, as he’s walking out of the studio and down Red Hill Avenue, his phone rings in his pocket, vibrating against his leg and singing a song far too loud to be echoing down the busy street. He slides his phone from his pocket, eyes widening as he sees his mother’s picture lighting up his screen. He steps into a small alley, out of the way of the pedestrians heading in and out of Java Hut, and answers. 

“Mom?” 

Typically, Anne-Marie doesn’t call Ashton outside of their scheduled times. There’s a two hour difference between California and Illinois, and it takes a bit of planning to line their days up properly enough to have a call that lasts longer than a few moments of ‘I’m fine, how are you?’ conversations. 

“Good evening, sweetheart…” she greets, her voice as soft and sweet as it’s always been. “Or would it be morning out west still?” 

“Afternoon.” 

“Right, of course,” she laughs. There’s a shuffling sound in the background, and her breathing is a bit slower than usual. “How are you? How's the weather?”

Ashton looks up at the clear blue sky. It’s seventy-six degrees this November afternoon, but it’s going to start dropping soon when rain season comes in, but none of that is important when his mom’s calling him with no beforehand warning. “I'm fine, the weather is fine,” he lists off, trying to skip all of the small talk. “Is everything alright?”

“Yes, yes, of course,” she reassures him, her tone suddenly much less forced than it was only a moment ago. “I’m so sorry to call you like this, but Joy and I were planning Christmas dinner.” There’s a pause and Ashton’s heart stops, pounding deeply once before it seizes all movement “I guess both Mali-Koa _and_ Calum are returning home this year.”

It’s suddenly loud and clear, the purpose of this call, and Ashton breathes in sharply, the coolness of the air a relief to the overheating of the rest of his body. “That's exciting.”

“It is, it really truly is.” 

The sound of footsteps and chatter surrounds Ashton, a cacophony of noise rising until it’s all a ringing in Ashton’s ear, his mind busier than the North Bay street. He already knows what’s going to be asked of him, but he doesn’t have time to prepare his rejection. His fear and sorrow climbs up his throat, acidic as it burns it’s way on his tongue, cracking at his lips. 

“Mom - ”

“Come home, sweetheart,” she inites. It’s warm and kind, and Ashton doesn’t want to break her heart, but there’s not a scenario in which he could possibly say yes. “Lauren's bringing her boyfriend home, and Mali's bringing the kids. We're all going to be together again. It just won't be the same without you.”

Ashton bites his lip against blurting that he'd never go back there, not in a million years, even if she paid him. Instead he emptily promises, “I - I’ll think about it.” He isn’t lying. He’s _not_ going to go, but for the next two months, all he’s going to do is _think about it._

“That’s all I'm asking.” But all she’s asking of Ashton is the world. There’s no way in hell he can go back home - not after everything that’s happened. 

  
  
  


**December 22, 1998**

Ashton’s four years old when his father walks out on their small family. He’s too young to really understand what’s happening, but he hasn’t seen his dad in over a week, and it’s been that long since he’s last seen his mom smiling. She’s been crying nearly nonstop, her weeps echoing down the empty, cold hallway as she mourns the loss of their relationship. 

What usually helps Ashton, makes him feel better when things go wrong, is his teddy bear, Bear. It’s soft and big enough to snuggle, and though Ashton’s not really sure what’s happening, he knows his mom needs Bear more than he does. 

It’s with his friend in his arms that he makes his way towards the kitchen where his mom’s three coffees deep, her checkbook open before her, dried tears marking through the stack. It’s as Ashton’s about to walk into the kitchen when he hears his mom talking to someone. 

“I don't know, Joy,” his mom sighs, he voice clouded with tears. “It all just happened so fast. I didn't understand what was happening until he was gone. He didn't even say goodbye to Ashton.” She finishes her sentence on a choked whisper, like she has to push the words out. 

“It's all going to be okay.” Ashton recognizes the responding voice as his neighbor, Mali’s, mom. She’s nice, and always invites Ashton over for lunch when the two of them are playing in the yards. “It might take a bit but we'll get you through this.”

“You’re right.” There’s a sniffle, and Ashton takes a step back, afraid of getting caught listening in. “But right before Christmas.”

“You and Ashton will join us,” Joy tells Anne-Marie, leaving no room for argument. “We've got gifts for you both, we'll _feed_ you. You're not spending this holiday alone.”

“That’s lovely, but we can't impose on you.” 

Ashton starts to feel guilty for listening in. He looks down at Bear and realizes that he shouldn’t be listening in, and that maybe what his mom needs is grown up help. It’s as he starts to walk away and hears, “Nonsense, Anne-Marie. You're _family_ ,” that he realizes maybe this isn’t an ending, but a beginning. 

  
  
  


**November 9, 2020**

“Mr. Ayala, I'm so sorry, but there's really nothing more we can do so soon.” 

With his head pounding and his phone ringing back to back to back, Ashton’s ready to end the day. He’s been here two hours past his usual shift end, and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. This time of year, all of his clients like to attack him with ridiculous, rushed requests, and it’s all he can do not to scream into the telephone. 

“You're telling me that all you shit for brains down there can't seem to put your small heads together and get me a single initial design?” The client he’s dealing with now was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, a stick up his ass, and a penchant for making Ashton’s life miserable. To put it simply - Christoph Tello-Ayala is a prick. 

“We've brought you plenty of designs, Mr. Ayala,” Ashton points out. He, himself, has crafted three of them, and had his associates do the other four. It’s seven total that he’s passed off, but each one has been rejected without being fully read through. “You just don't want to hear about any of them.” 

It’s been difficult client after difficult client calling in tonight, and Ashton’s barely gotten around to his other work. So as Christoph chews his ear off about his attitude and lack of initiative, Ashton logs into his email, ready to tackle the rest of his clients in one fell swoop and get the hell home already. 

Though the first unread email on his screen isn’t about his work at all - it’s a confirmation from an airline company, thanking him for purchasing a ticket from SFO to O'Hare. The first thing he thinks is how odd it is that there’d be a mix up sent to his email for a ticket back home when he didn’t buy - especially for the dates he wants to avoid going home. But then he sees the email above it, and the name makes clarity sing through. 

Sitting in his inbox is a message from Mali-Koa Hood, explaining how she heard from Lauren, Ashton’s little sister, that he was thinking of not coming home for the grand reunion holiday, and decided to put the opportunity back in his hand. It’s manipulative and tempting, just like every offer Mali’s ever made in her life is, and it only gets worse when he sees the picture attached to the bottom of the email - a picture from over fifteen years ago. Ashton’s sitting on the couch at the Hood’s house. He’s moping, a full blown pout on his tiny face as Lauren sits on his lap with powdered sugar all over her mouth. Mali’s sitting next to him with little Harry, just an infant at the time, in her arms, and Calum’s in front of them both on the floor; his eyes are puffy, but there’s a smile there, his missing front tooth showing clear as day. 

“I'm going to have to call you back, Christoph. Something just came up.”

It's the first customer Ashton’s ever hung up on but he feels no guilt. He can't stop staring at the picture. 

  
  
  


**December 25, 2004**

The house is buzzing - has been since eight this morning when Ashton and his family made their way next door for their Christmas time extravaganza. It's the same as always, everybody running around and celebrating the holiday, but this year they have Ashton’s new little brother, Harry, joining them. He's too small to open presents or eat the food, so it's not really too exciting, but that's where everybody's attention is focused. It gives Ashton the perfect opportunity to steal the tray of cookies from the kitchen and sneak them into the fort he and Mali have spent the morning building underneath the gift table. 

As he's tiptoeing behind Mr. Hood, Lauren catches a glimpse of him, so when he passes her, he slips her a few of the snowball cookies - because they're his _least_ favorite - and she takes it happily, running over to where their mom is cooing at a giggling Harry. 

"Please Mali," a voice floats above the background noise of the party as Ashton gets to the fortress. Calum's pouting in front of the table, and Mali's sticking her head out from underneath it,, shaking her head at his begging. "I promise I won't - " 

" _No,_ " she snaps. "Ashton and I built this for big kids _only_." 

With a huff, he reaches for the table cloth, giving it a tug. "But - "

"Calum _, stop_." Ashton's sick of his whining and having to push him away all the time. He wants to hang put with them all the time,, and it's never going to happen, but the fact that he won't leave them alone on Christmas of all days is a step over the line. "You're shaking the table. You're gonna knock all the gifts over."

"Then let me in!" Calum's volume is rising, and Ashton has to check that the parents aren't looking iver. He doesn't want to get in trouble just because Calum's trying to force his way into their fort. "I'll be quiet, I just want to hang out with you!" 

Ashton rolls his eyes. "We dont wanna hang out with you. You're too young and we don't want to spend time with a baby." He accentuates his words with a push away from the table, and Calum's feet give out from under him, his butt landing harshly on the laminate floor. 

Just like every other time Ashton’s said cruel words to him, or pushed him too hard to be playful, Calum's eyes start to water, his lip quivers, and then he's standing up and running to the adults. Ashton feels the guilt flow through him as he gets under the table, not liking the bitter taste of how he's treated his neighbor. 

" _Ooooh_ , gingerbread." Mali reaches over and snags a gingerbread man from the plate, and Ashton fakes a laugh. 

It's not too long after that there are stomping footsteps shaking the table and then the table cloth is being lifted, his mom's face appearing angrily from behind it. "Ashton Fletcher, what did you do to make Calum cry?" Terrified, Ashton looks up, not looking forward to explaining himself. He knows he doesn't have a good excuse, and he doesn't want to do anything to jeopardize getting his presents. It looks like he will, though, especially when his mom is using the same tone she uses when Ashton doesn't do his homework or when he throws dishes away so he doesn't have to wash them. 

"He…" he starts, the word coming out as a croak as it squeezes past the lump in his throat. "He was gonna knock all the presents down." 

"And how was he going to do that?" 

"He kept trying to…" He can hear it in his own voice, the shake that comes alongside tears. He doesn't want to cry, especially not when he _just_ rejected Calum because he was acting like a baby. "To… to come into our fort, but I didn't want him in here." 

It's a poor excuse, and it definitely doesn't justify Calum crying if Anne-Marie's face is any explanation. "I don't really care where you want him," she says, voice low and even. "We don't make other people cry, okay? _Especially_ when they've done nothing wrong." Ashton _hmphs_ in the back of his throat, crossing his arms, feeling attacked. "Now you go apologize to Calum, you let him into your fort, and you put those cookies back in the kitchen. They're for everybody. And Christmas is _not_ the time to be selfish." Ashton wants to cry at being lectured, but not in front of everyone; instead, he decides he'll just throw a tantrum. 

He stomps across the living room over to where Mr. Hood is holding a sobbing Calum in his arms, rocking him and talking calmly in his ear. 

"Calum." It's mumbled, and it's not heard, so Ashton tugs harshly on Calum's pant leg. Calum looks down, all wet-faced and puffy-eyed. "I'm sorry I called you a baby and pushed you." He says it with a clear attitude, scrunching his face up when Calum sniffles and wipes his snotty nose. "If you want, you can come hang out with Mali and I." 

"Yeah?" 

Ashton bites his tongue against saying no. Calum sounds hopeful, and Ashton just _knows_ he's going to be annoying. "Yeah." 

Calum gets put down and hugs Ashton in thanks despite Ashton's protesting grimace. He feels slightly bad for physically hurting Calum, but he really doesn't like being lumped in with the kids. He's just turned ten, he shouldn't be in the same group as everyone else.

Ashton's frustration with the situation only intensifies as they're walking over to the fort and Joy calls out, "Come on, before we open gifts, I want a picture of all the kids together." 

"I'm not a kid." He whispers it before he's being shoved on the couch and Lauren's being placed on his lap. 

  
  
  


**November 26, 2020**

Ever since moving out to the Bay Area when he was just eighteen, Ashton's spent every Thanksgiving, without fail, with Michael and Luke. Over the years, other attendants have come and gone, but it's been these three year after year since they met freshman year at Berkeley.

"So that's it?" Luke asks. He's standing in front of the stove, stirring the gravy he's attempting to thicken. Ashton's spent the last ten minutes explaining to them about the tickets coming through his email from Mali, and how she wants him to come home for Christmas. "You're going home then?" 

"No," Ashton turns down, shaking his head. Memories have been flickering through his head nonstop after seeing that picture, and it's done nothing other than remind him of how messy he left things when he packed up and left home.."I don't think so. I can't just… go back after all these years."

"Michael, can you - " Luke gestures to the flour on the island, and Michael pushes it over. "Thank you. Ashton, we only hear good things about home." Ashton flattens his lips together at the lie because Luke's heard the one sour thing about home, and he knows Ashton won't bring it up. 

"Everyone's going to be there." 

Michael coos from where he's sitting on the counter next to Luke. "So it's a little reunion," he adds, voice soft and sweet at the prospect of returning home to nothing but pleasant times. He doesn't understand that it's just the opposite. "That sounds really nice, actually. When's the last time you saw your siblings? A year ago?"

"More than that," Luke answers, pointing the spoon at his boyfriend. "They came to visit for Ashton’s birthday last year." 

Michael claps, his cupped palms echoing through the kitchen. "A year and a half then. See. This is a good thing!" 

"But _everybody_ is going to be there." He says it slowly, methodically, hoping Luke hears the panic in what he's emphasizing. 

His hope is pointless as Luke just nods. "Yes, everybody." 

"Everybody can see how good you're doing," Michael continues, and while it's great to have their support, it's ridiculous how illiterate they both are when it comes to reading the room. "They can see how healthy and happy and successful you are." Ashton doesn't often feel like any of those things, if he's speaking truthfully. When he's starting to feel better and good and in the right place, he's reminded of how alone he really truly is, how everything he could've had slipped through his fingers and left him a husk of a man who could've been happy. 

"What's this really about, Ash?" Luke asks as he senses the hesitance in even responding. "What's keeping you?"

The need to end the conversation overcomes his stubbornness to not say a thing. " _Everybody_ is going to be there," he repeats. Michael opens his mouth to speak, but Ashton keeps talking. "My family, Mali… Calum." It's the first time Ashton's said his name in something of five years or so, and it's just as saccharine as it was a decade ago. Luke pinches his lips, his pack stiffening when he realizes what's happening. They've only talked about it once, but it was an emotional moment too honest for him to easily forget. 

"So?" 

Not wanting to put up with Michael's misunderstanding, Ashton shakes his head. "I just… I don't want to see them. Can we change the subject?" 

Michael looks like he wants to fight to get to the bottom of everything, curious as ever before, but Luke nods, putting an end to it. "Of course. Tell us about that new listing in Sleepy Hollow." 

  
  
  


**December 25, 2011**

It’s Ashton’s last holiday before he graduates high school, and with the way his stomach is sinking in, it just might be the worst. He’s got an acceptance letter in his room, sitting on his desk and waiting for him to respond to, but he doesn’t want to even think about flying out there when Calum’s ignoring him the way he has been. 

“Calum, _please_.” 

“I don't want to talk to you, okay?” Calum snaps in return. Ashton’s been trailing him the entire night, hoping to get just _one_ word in, but he’s been shit out of luck. Calum won’t even look him in the eye let alone take a step aside so they can have this conversation, and Ashton’s not bold enough to call him out in front of everyone - especially not after what happened. “I don't want to see your face at all.” 

“Can we just - ”

“Boys!” Ashton’s plea is cut off by Joy’s voice beckoning them into the main room. “Harry's handing out his gifts to everybody.” It’s all the motivation Calum needs to leave the kitchen and the conversation. Ashton hesitantly follows, knowing that it’ll be suspicious if he hangs back.

They unwrap gifts, and Ashton pretends his mind isn’t moving at the speed of light, second guessing everything from the last twenty-four hours. Hell, he’s second guessing everything from the past seventeen years. Somehow they get through the exchange, and before Ashton knows it, it’s time for lunch, and he’s trailing Calum, pulling him aside into the downstairs bathroom. They _have_ to talk about this. 

“Are you serious?”

“We have to talk about this,” he tells Calum exactly what he’s thinking. “I didn't… I wasn't…”

“I don't want to hear it, Ashton.” Calum’s voice is low, like usual, but it’s well-thought through, methodical and biting as it licks across the surface of Ashton’s skin like a hot flame, sinking to his bones and giving him a chill. “Get it through your thick head that I don't _care_. I want you to fly across the country and never show your face again.”

“You don’t mean that - ”

“I _do_ ,” he insists. “You're a coward and a jerk, and I wish I'd never fucking met you.” 

He storms out, and Ashton follows slowly before losing him completely, his face sunken in and sad. He wants nothing more than to disappear forever after prompting a response so full of contempt. The anger and hatred on Calum’s face is like nothing Ashton’s ever seen before. Even when he was his cruelest, it never sparked this reaction. 

He’s surprised when Calum reappears, stomping down the steps with a beautifully wrapped present in his hands. Ashton’s confused, can feel the emotion showing on his face, and he’s about to say something, but before he gets the chance, Calum’s shoving it harshly into Ashton’s gut. “You can burn it for all I care.” 

Calum leaves him abandoned to go into the kitchen with the family, his voice returning to normal as he jokes with Lauren upon his entrance. With nothing but a mysterious box in his hand, Ashton hesitantly opens it to find a Furby, one of the gremlin toys from the nineties, in nice condition, and a wave of emotions crashes over him. He’s never hated himself more. 

For the rest of the night, he can’t meet anybody, and he makes an executive decision to never show his face again, not after hurting Calum so much… Not after breaking two hearts with one stone. 

  
  
  


**December 3, 2020**

“Why am I even thinking about it?” 

It’s the last day Ashton has before the company’s set-in-place cutoff to request holiday time off. If he’s going to fly across the country and spend a week and a half with his family, he needs more than what he’s typically scheduled this time of year. He already has six days off, but he needs an extra five for the dates Mali sent him the tickets for, and he doesn’t want to _not_ request the days off and miss his chance to go, but then again… why does he even want to go? 

“Because it's your family, and you love them.” 

He’s been going through the pros and cons of taking the time with his assistant Tamara for the past hour, and it keeps leading him back to the same question, to the same moment of wanting to go and not understanding _why_ . It’s draining, and he’s probably going to have to buy Tamara a gift basket or a _car_ for all the emotional support she’s extending to Ashton’s conflict. 

“But it's more than just my family,” Ashton reminds her again. The conversation has gone in circles, and everything they say is a repeat of what they’ve said earlier - cyclical and practice. “It's my neighbors from growing up, and I can't… things didn't end well when I left home.” 

“You're so much older now,” she says. “Those things that mean so much when we're children are nothing once you've actually struggled in the real world.”

While she’s right and time heals most wounds, the feeling in Ashton’s stomach tells him this isn't like the time he broke Lauren's favorite doll or accidentally threw away Mr. Hood's entire wallet. This is _bigger_ , this is a matter of the heart and regardless of how old Ashton gets, he's always going to hold a bit of that scared seventeen-year-old in him. 

“I don't know…” Reciting his words has gotten to him, the words sinking in, the emotions of everything he’s left behind settling in his throat thickly. “It's five days of vacation hours.”

Tamara laughs. “You’ve been here four years, you can afford them.” 

“But - ”

“This pros and cons list is just you saying you don't want to go,” she cuts him off, not letting him continue their back and forth that’s taken up so much time this evening anyway. They were both due to go home thirty minutes ago. “Why are you stressing yourself out so much if it's that big of a deal? Just don't go.” 

Ashton bites his lip against saying it's because as scared as he is, as bad of an idea this is, Ashton _does_ want to see Calum, that he’s wanted to see Calum every day since their last conversation just outside of the bathroom all those years ago. It's just that Calum never wanted to see Ashton’s face again and going back means breaking that promise he made to never let Calum down again. 

“All done.” 

“All…” Ashton looks over, and Tamara’s sent the request in, not letting Ashton make the final choice, not giving him the opportunity to say no once and for all, to put this to rest and decide not to go. “Tamara, what? Why would you - ”

“If you decide better, you can always come spend the holiday with Rory and I,” Tamara tells him, sitting back comfortable in Ashton’s office chair. “But if you don't have the hours, you'll regret it when you realize that you want to go home.” 

  
  
  


**December 24, 2010**

The thick comforter under Ashton’s knees is fluffy and cold in the chill of the midnight winter air. He’s hovering over Calum’s body, torn between laughing and being a little upset that he’s fallen asleep on such an important night. He reaches down and shakes Calum’s shoulder gently, adding more force when he doesn’t budge.

“Wake up, sleepy head,” he whispers, watching closely, his nose nearly touching Calum’s. As Calum blinks his eyes open in the darkness. 

“What’s… what’re you - ”

Biting back a laugh at his confusion to awareness, Ashton says, “You weren’t supposed to fall asleep, mate. It’s Christmas Eve.” 

“I don’t think Santa’s gonna miss me,” Calum slurs, a sleep-heavy rasp in his voice that makes Ashton laughs, shoving his shoulder.

“No, you idiot,” he teases, “the _tradition_.” He watches as the confusion on Calum’s face bleeds away to realization, his eyes widening as he sits up suddenly, nearly hitting Ashton on his forehead. “Watch it!”

Calum throws himself back at the pillow, lips thin as he apologizes, “Sorry! I just… you were being serious?” 

“Well, duh!” Ashton rolls off of Calum, giving the space to get up and get ready. “Mali’s not around, _someone_ in the Hood family has to carry on the tradition, and I don’t think David’s going to take kindly to me sneaking in his bed.” 

With a giggle, Calum throws himself to work, keeping his pajama pants on, but pulling a pair of sweatpants over those. His shirt is topped with a pullover hoodie, and then he’s zipping a coat up and urging Ashton down the stairs, both of them careful to skip the creaking step before stopping by the door and slipping on a pair of mittens and a hat. 

“So what is it?” he asks, refusing to take another step towards the door. “Are we robbing a bank? Stealing Christmas?” 

“Alright, rebel, calm down,” Ashton chuckles, shoving him towards the entryway. “I’ll explain on the way.” 

The tradition, the source of all of Calum’s desperation, has been around since Ashton was eight. It started one Christmas Eve, as Mali was sleeping over at the Irwin’s house, and Ashton couldn’t sleep, too excited for the next morning and the presents waiting for him under the tree. He wouldn’t stop talking, and Mali, tired of being annoyed, decided they should go for a walk to get rid of their energy. 

Together they snuck out and walked downtown, Mali bragging that she’d walked down with her friend from school before and that she knew the way, so they made their way to the town center where their fifteen-foot Christmas tree sits every year, decorated to perfection by the town in the last week of November. The original plan was to make it to the tree before turning their frost-nipped feet around and heading back home, but Mali suddenly had an idea. 

To prove they were there, that they were brave and went out into the dark of the night and walked all the way to the Christmas tree, Mali suggested that they steal an ornament from the tree to call their own, to mark their courage and adventure. 

It was supposed to be a one time thing, but it just kept happening year after year, and now Ashton doesn’t see an end in sight. 

As he tells the story, Calum smiles silently next to him, so giddy and only getting brighter as each moment goes by. He switches between jogging and walking down the street, too full of energy to keep his pace steady. It hits Ashton like a bolt of lightning just how much fun he’s having - how the tradition hasn’t been this fulfilling since he was eleven and it was still absolutely _crazy_ to think that they were sneaking out of the house. 

When they get to the tree, the excitement is still buzzing through Calum’s system, but Ashton’s feeling more relaxed, content to sit back and watch Calum as he scopes for the ornament he wants to take. Though it doesn’t take long before Calum notices Ashton’s lack of help. 

“So how do we decide which ornament to steal?” Calum asks, and Ashton grins. Truthfully, it’s never been about the ornament, and Ashton always just took the first one Mali offered. It’s always been about the moment, about the risk they’re taking just to be out in town, alone in the cold, but feeling the warmth of their love for each other and for living in the moment. 

“Whatever one you want most,” Ashton tells him. Calum only hums and goes back to looking. He takes a while, seeming to survey each individual bobble hanging within reach, and though the last thing Ashton wants to do is rush him, there _is_ a limit to how long they can save in the cold. “You’re finally in on the tradition - _something_ must stick out to you.” 

Calum shrugs. “I just really wanted to hang around you,” he confesses. “It’s what I asked for every Christmas.” The confession shocks Ashton silent. “Aha!” A few feet over, Calum jumps up, sticking his hand in the air - an ornament in his palm. “I think I’ve found the one.” 

He walks over and tries to hand the ornament to Ashton. It’s a weighted red Santa hat, the fluffy white pieces dusted in glitter. It’s beautiful, a good choice, but Ashton doesn’t understand why he’s handing it off. “You keep it,” he pushes Calum’s hands back towards himself. “To remember your first heist.” 

“I don’t need a reminder.” Calum reaches out and opens Ashton’s gloved hand, placing the hat inside. He uses his fingers to close Ashton’s palm around it. “Being here is enough to remember.”

“Oh…” It makes Ashton feel guilty for the years he tried to keep Calum away. This past year, Calum’s kind of been a rock for Ashton now that Mali’s gone, and if it taught him anything, it’s that he’s been a total prick for taking this long to realize just how good Calum is. From now on, Ashton promises he’s going to be a lot more open to Calum, letting him in even more. It shouldn’t have taken this long anyway. “Thanks, buddy.”

  
  
  


**December 19, 2020**

“All I’m saying, is that if I don't come back to work with a ring on my finger, then Will won't be going back to work at all.” Everyone in the office laughs at Cassandra’s tease as she breaks her story to take a sip of wine. “And you'll never find his body.” 

It’s the last day before the office breaks for their six day holiday - though Ashton’s will be just slightly longer - and they’re have a small party to celebrate, getting a little drunk in the office and sharing their Christmas plans. It’s what they’ve done for the past three Christmases Ashton’s spent in the company, and even being in a new branch this year, he’ll never tire of the familial spirit between everybody. 

"What about you, Ashton?" Gage from accounting asks, directing the energy towards their newest employee. “The family flying in?” 

Ashton shakes his head. “No, not this time.” 

Condoling sounds harmonize among the group until Cassandra asks, “Do you want to join Will and I for Christmas dinner?” 

“Thanks, Cas,” Ashton laughs. The idea of spending his holiday in the hostile company of Cassandra and her long-term unwilling-to-commit boyfriend makes confronting Calum seem lighthearted. “I think I’ll pass.” 

“We really would love to have you.” 

Ashton opens his mouth to reply, to deny the invitation for a second time, but then Tamara’s cutting him off to share his business. “He's flying _home_ for the holidays.” His coworkers react audibly, interested _oohs_ making way through the crowd. “Maybe.” 

“What?” Lee asks, confused at the twist. “What do you mean 'maybe'?” Tamara shrugs, and sips at her wine, making it clear that she isn’t going to answer. Ashton groans, realizing it’s going to have to be him that explains, that he has to rehash all of his uncertainty of visiting home with the rest of his coworkers - because not enough of them were aware yet. 

“I just made a mistake when I was 17, and I don’t want to have to go back and face the consequences.” 

The office sits silently for a moment, and then the first giggle breaks through, followed by everybody else chuckling kindly, and Gage teases, “You wouldn't be Ashton Irwin if there wasn't a splash of tragedy in everything you do.” 

Though the visit is something that’s been plaguing his mind since the moment he first answered the call from his mom, he can’t help but laugh along with everybody. He feels shocked by how true their teasing is - there’s always something dark keeping him from existing as an entire being. 

Feeling slightly overwhelmed, Ashton steps out to get some fresh air. He’s out there for a solid fifteen minutes before the door is opening and he’s being beckoned inside to rejoin the masses. 

  
  
  


**December 21, 2016**

_One Missed Call_. 

The words don’t make sense at first to Ashton’s drunken eyes, but after the letters stop dancing along to the pounding music on the other side of the balcony door, he realizes what it’s telling him. It doesn’t immediately sink in that it’s a missed call from an Illinois area code, but when it does, Ashton can feel long longing in his gut that always surfaces when he thinks of Calum. It’s been years, they haven’t spoken to each other since their last Christmas together, and there’s no voicemail, but Ashton _knows_ it’s Calum. 

It couldn’t be anybody else, really. 

Tonight is supposed to be a night of no worries. Ashton’s celebrating getting hired into the architecture firm of his dream tonight, one that’s going to have him designing the most beautiful buildings in the bay area, but instead, he’s moments away from all of the alcohol in his system making its way back up to the surface.

He’s considering calling back, on hearing Calum out and seeing what prompted a call five years after they ended their friendship, but then the door to the balcony is swinging open. The music playing inside leaks out the door, Michael stumbling alongside it. 

“Ashton, bro - ” Michael’s wasted, clearly, but he’s having a good time, and Ashton doesn’t want to ruin the mood, so he laughs, but it’s fake - it’s _so_ fake, he’s filled with nothing but fear and regret. “Come on, loser. They're about to break open the good shit.” 

“I’m - ”

“Top shelf,” he cuts off any excuse Ashton would’ve tried to make. “Let’s gooooooo.” 

Ashton laughs again, but it just makes his chest hurt. “Alright, give me a second, man. I'll be right in.” The door shuts with Michael’s exit, and he pulls up his phone out to text Calum a brief and desperate, _Merry Christmas xx_

He doesn't get anything back.

He didn't expect anything back but it hurts so much. 

  
  
  


**December 21, 2020**

It hasn’t even been a full fifteen minutes in Chicago, and Ashton’s already dry heaving in the O’Hare airport. He feels sick to his stomach, but he can’t make anything come up no matter how hard he tries. Out in the lobby, Lauren and Harry should be waiting for him. When he landed he had a few messages from them, but he hasn’t gone out to visit. Truthfully, he just wishes they'd let him die here instead of forcing him home and back to the place where his worst moment in life happened.

He finally gathers himself, wiping his dry mouth and taking a mint for good measure, and makes his way out and towards baggage claim. He only has his carry on with him, but it's the easiest place to meet his siblings. 

"Ashton!" 

At the shout of his name, Ashton looks up to see Harry and Lauren standing by the baggage carousel, holding a sign that says " _Mr. Irwin_ " on it and Ashton has to laugh. "Hey," he greets gently, pulling them both in for a hug. "I missed you guys." 

"Missed you too, pinhead," Lauren mutters into his shoulder. 

"Yeah, yeah." Harry breaks free from their group hug, struggling to do so. "What about _presents_? What did you bring me, I wanna see."

"Wait until Christmas, brat." Ashton shoves him, but then pulls him into another hug, this one tighter so nobody can escape it. "I missed you both. You don’t visit me enough."

Lauren throws her head back in a laugh, and Ashton glares over where his chin is resting on the top of Harry's head. "Oh, that’s _real_ rich, coming from you. You haven’t been home in a decade."

"That’s not true."

"Oh, sorry," she teases. "Eight years, my mistake."

She says it like it's a joke, but the truth of the matter is Ashton really does regret not visiting. He doesn't see his family as much as he could if he'd just get over this fear he has of facing his past. It's been a lifetime since he's seen snow, since he's sat in his mom’s kitchen and spoken to her as she cooks and he cleans the dishes. He’s had a sense of family, of course he's always had that, but it’s been eight years since he’s had a sense of _home_. 

"So how’s everyone been?" He asks, not letting himself get choked up in the middle of the airport. "How are classes, Harry? And what’s this I hear about a _boyfriend_ , Laur?"

Lauren rolls her eyes but doesn't get a chance to make a snotty remark at Ashton's questioning as Harry rushes to speak for her. "Classes are fine," he waves off. "I’m a genius, we all knew this. Lauren’s dating some tool at Columbia, and everybody is great. Now where. are. my. presents?" He punctuates every word of his question, a slight stomp to his foot as he does. 

"He’s not a tool," Lauren scoffs. 

Ashton doesn't lean into that line of the conversation - he's too caught up in how he hasn't seen his little brother in a year and a half, but he's still acting the same. "Aren’t you a little old to be pushing for presents?" 

"Age is just a number." 

It’s a bit jarring because it’s the opposite of how Ashton used to think of things. Age was such a _thing_ for him as a kid. It played into everything he did and said. He was so focused on being older than everybody, on how mature he was, and seeing Harry take a different approach feels strange. He doesn’t seem to care about his age at all, but he’s at the age that he _should_ be insisting he’s almost an adult. Sixteen and in high school - two years from graduating. Ashton felt like such a grown up at that point and Harry just… doesn't. 

"Is that the only jacket you brought?" Lauren asks suddenly, nose turned up as she glances at his wardrobe. "You do know we’re in Illinois, right? Chicago winds are no joke." 

Ashton looks down, and _fuck_. The Bay Area is chilly this time of year, but compared to the winds off of Lake Michigan, it’s damn near tropical. "You’ve got a spare, right?" He asks his brother. His thin rain jacket isn't going to do anything. 

"I do, and you can borrow it, I suppose," Harry offers, swaying with his words. Ashton pulls him into a third hug. 

"Thanks bud." 

He ruffles his hair and pulls away, letting himself be led to the car as Lauren goes on about traffic getting to the airport, but how Ashton isn't allowed to feel guilty because it's _so_ worth it having him home finally. She also explains that Mali's driving in tomorrow evening with her two kids and her husband, and that sends Ashton into a confusing loop, thinking about how much has changed and how excited he could and _should_ be, but he's trapped in his own head, mind stuck on one thing, plaguing his thoughts, and stealing his attention. 

"Calum." 

At the definitive tone, Lauren looks at Ashton through the rear view mirror, one eyebrow quirked at the interruption. "Sorry?" 

"When, uh…" Ashton shakes his head, trying to think of a quick way to explain himself. "When does Calum get in?"

"Christmas Eve." 

"Yeah," Lauren nods, agreeing with Harry and she flips her left blinker on to merge onto the freeway. "He’s coming late because he’s _driving_. And not like Mali’s driving because that’s like, what, seven hours? Calum’s all the way in Reno, but he wants to drive to give himself like an experience or something." 

The news stops Ashton dead. "Reno?"

"You didn’t hear? He got a job there a few months ago. It was pretty cool, actually, so - " As Lauren picks up where she left off,, Ashton tunes her out, and stares out the window, not letting himself think about the fact that Calum’s a less than four hour drive away - that he _has_ been for a few months and Ashton never knew. 

He doesn’t think about the fact that it wouldn’t have changed even a thing if he did know. 

  
  
  


**December 18, 2009**

"Why is mine so dry?" Lauren whines, her little, slipper-covered foot stomping on the tile floor. They've hardly even started the promise of baking cookies, but this is already her third complaint. Ashton refuses to give up, though. He wants to make Christmas memories with his siblings, wants to give them a father-type figure in the life, so he's showing them how to make cookies, hoping it resonates as a positive experience to them. 

Ashton doesn't have the heart to tell Lauren that it's so hard for her to mold her dough because there's far, far, _far_ too much flour in there. Every bit of pressure she adds crumbles her ball, but Ashton doesn't want to discourage her, so he switches their batches and gets started on making hers usable. 

" _Ashton_ !" There's a voice calling out from another room in the house and it's immediately followed by the slamming of a door. Ashton sighs rolling his eyes. " _Ashton, where are you?_ " He doesn't say anything, doesn't five himself away. He can see Lauren frowning at him, confusion on her face, but he ignores it, keeping quiet as Calum comes barreling into the kitchen. "There you are!" 

"You caught me," he deadpans. 

There's a clear level of disdain in his tone, one that he knows he's _never_ going to be able to kick. It's not that he doesn't like Calum, it's just that Calum's _always_ all over him. Ashton wants space and to be able to be an adult, but Calum's always dragging him down. He's _fifteen_ for goodness sake. He's in _high school_. He doesn't need some dumb eighth grader weighing him down and hanging on his every word. It was fine when they were kids, but now that one of them is taking the initiative to grow up and mature a little, these childish behaviors Calum's prone to are unacceptable. 

Calum laughs, thinking Ashton was just making a joke, too naive to get it. "Ashton, can I ask you a favor?" Just as Ashton opens his mouth to say no, Calum railroads over him. "And, and hear me out first because I _really_ need you." 

With Harry and Lauren staring at him, Ashton sighs. He's trying to be the man of the house, and he can't just send Calum away with no rhyme or reason, so he swallows his pride and asks, "What is it?"

Like the question was some kind of permission, Calum opens his mouth and his words come flooding out. "There's this _awesome_ show coming to the Regency, and I really, really, _really_ wanna go, but moms only gonna buy me tickets if somebody goes with me, and Mali said no because it's during play rehearsals, but you're _cool_ , and I think you'd like the band, and you're my last hope, and I don't wanna miss the show, so _please,_ Ashton, pretty please with a hundred cherries on top - you _have_ to!" He's basically panting by the end of it, and Ashton's left standing around with question marks above his head as he attempts to decipher the code. 

When he figures out what's being asked of him, he's incredibly hesitant because if he hangs out with Calum outside of their family events, people are going to think they're friends, that they're the same age. But on the other side, Calum looks so pathetic and desperate, and Ashton doesn't want to be the reason he can't go to a concert, especially knowing how much Calum loves music.

"Who?" 

At the question,, Calum's brow quirks and he slowly points to his chest. "Me…" Ashton rolls his eyes

"No, you idiot. Who's _playing_?"

" _Oh_ , All Time Low."

Internally, Ashton subtlty stomps his foot because God _dammit_ , he fucking _loves_ All Time Low, and now he _wants_ to go. Sure, yeah, he was always going to say yes but now he's actually going to enjoy himself. It's going to make Calum think this kind of thing should happen more often. "Yeah, I guess," he eventually answers, cursing when it makes Calum jump in their air, giggling excitedly. 

_"Oh my god_. Really!?" Calum asks, and Ashton shrugs, but it's all the answer he needs. "Yes! You're the best, Ashton. I'm… I'm gonna go tell everybody I know. We're going to see All Time Low!" 

Just as rapidly and disastrously as he swept in, Calum leaves the house, the front door slamming behind him and shaking the walls. Ashton's attention is pulled away from his own frustration by a chuckle, and Ashton looks down to where Lauren's smirking at him. "What's so funny down there?" 

"He never even asked Mali," she tells him. 

"How do you know?" 

"He's been talking about asking you for weeks. He said he only wants to go with you." 

There's a part of Ashton that wants to puff his chest at that, that he was a first choice to take to the concert - the cool older neighbor that can chaperone - but that feeling quickly bubbles aways, bleeding into anger at the fact that he was just played by some eighth grader. "Whatever," he pretends he isn't upset. "Roll out your dough." He looks over to see how Harry's doing, but the five year old just has half his dough left - the rest of it has been shoveled into his mouth. 

Though he should stop it, he understands the urge and reaches over, peeling a bit off for himself to eat. 

  
  
  


**December 21, 2020**

Ashton's first night home finds him in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner. It feels too different, too _weird_ to let himself fall into a guest roll. Despite the time he's been away, everything feels familiar here, like he's stepping back in time, exactly where he was at seventeen. 

"It's so good to have you back, sweetheart." Though his mom's voice is as soothing as it always is, the suddenness of it makes him jump. He thought he was alone in here, everybody else retiring to the living room ten minutes ago, and the surprise of his mom being in he quiet space with him is startling. She calms his racing heart by kissing his cheek. 

"It's… nice." It's weird. "It's been so long." 

"Are you thinking of seeing anybody while you're back?" Anne-Marie wonders,, reaching her free hand put to grab a clean dish towel from the rack on the wall. it has little pumpkins on it, and Ashton holds back a laugh on the delay of replacing holiday decorations. "Maybe you want to swing by the high school?" 

Ashton grimaces at the thought of going back. "I don't think so. I just want to spend time with the family while I'm here." Truthfully, he didn't have many friends in school, and those that he did, he lost touch with when he ran away. Most of his memories, most of the life he lived, was with the Hoods. That's why being back after so long hurts - it's his entire childhood in these four walls. 

"Well, you know I don't mind having you here." His mom grins. She reaches over and grabs the plate from his hand. He's been running it underneath the water for a minute too long. "What are you thinking of making for dinner?" 

At first, Ashton assumes she's speaking about tonight's dinner, and it baffles him for a moment seeing as they've already eaten, but then he recalls another holiday tradition they have - one he's gone and let slip his mind. Every year, each member of the two houses brings a dish. Even when Harry was a baby, Anne-Marie would make a dish in his honor, just so it was an equal contribution. Staying consistent with it, Ashton thinks he going to make the same thing always used to make. "Cheese ball." 

" _Oh_ ," she brings her hand up to her chest in surprise.. "We haven't had that in so long." 

"Eight years." 

Anne-Marie shakes her head. "No, I think five or so." It makes Ashton do a double take, not sure why the timeliness isn't as long as he's been away - who would've stolen the signature from him. "Calum made it one year. Harry had mentioned wanting it, and Calum… bless his heart, that boy tried so hard it just - " She cuts herself off with a laugh. "I think his exact words were, _'it's not the same without Ashtons magic'_." 

The urge to vomit comes up quicker than it did earlier in the airport. It's truly nauseating how _much_ the idea makes him feel, how even after spitting that he never wanted to see Ashton again, there was still a hole left, one Calum respectfully tried to fill. There was such a strong connection between them, and it's all gone, all of the potential that used to be just… gone. Calum used to follow him everywhere he went, just wanting to be near him, and Ashton just stomped all over him. 

Even so, he was still there for Harry, he still missed the magic Ashton put into Christmas. It breaks his heart three times over, and makes him want to run away before Calum drives in on Christmas Eve. 

"So what gifts did you bring everybody?"

  
  
  


**December 30, 2001**

"I don't _wanna_ play with him!" Ashton stomps his foot harshly on the carpet. It hurts, the amount of pressure he's just put on it, but he refuses to react. His mom keeps trying to force him to go next door and play with Calum, but he doesn’t want to. Calum's just a stupid baby, and their moms want them to be best friends, but Calum's so _annoying_. 

"Sweetheart, please," Anne-Marie's voice is soft, exhausted in this post-Christmas haze. Tomorrow's their New Year's celebration and the house isn't even close to ready. The Hood family has extended a helping hand and taken Lauren off her hands for the day, but Ashton's stubborn and won't join her. "This is the third time he's invited you over this week, and you can't keep saying no."

"Yes I can!" 

Anne-Marie runs a hand down her face. Any other day she'd accept his answer as it is, but the attitude he's brought with it is keeping her from giving in. "He's much closer in age to you than Mali."

"But Mali and I are big kids, and he's just a little kid. I don't want to play with him. "

"But he got you _such_ a thoughtful gift," she tries. It's not always such a task to get Ashton to do something, but when it comes to Calum, for some reason, he's unmoveable. 

"His mom bought that. I'm not _stupid_." 

When Ashton spits his words, crossing his arms, Anne-Marie's decided she's had enough. "Ashton Fletcher, you don't say that word, and you don't use that tone." Ashton huffs, thinking to himself that it's unfair he's being yelled at - his mom uses that tone all the _time_. "Now, you're going to go next door and play with Calum like he's been asking for."

" _No_ \- "

"Now." 

She watches as Ashton takes stomping strides across the house to the door. "He's dumb and he has dumb baby toys and I _hate_ him. I never wanna see him again!" 

  
  
  


**December 22, 2020**

"Knock, knock!" A feminine voice, harmonized with two matching taps on the heavy oak door, has Ashton looking up from where he was adjusting the wobbly leg on his mom's dining room table, just in time to catch Mali-Koa Hood walking into the Irwin’s living room, a toddler in her arms. The three-year-old girl is the spitting image of Mali herself, Mali who looks so much older, like a real-life, actual, grown woman. Ashton and her call and email each other often enough, but this… seeing her in person for the first time in ten years, for the first time since they both ran away to college, to make lives in new states - it's something different, something beautiful, and it brings tears to his eyes. "Is Ashton Irwin crying right now?" 

It's all the prompting Ashton needs to rush across the room, abandoning his busy work, to pull her into a hug tighter than his first paycheck in California. The toddler is pulled into it, and it's lumpy and slightly uncomfortable, but it feels like coming home. He missed his best friend more than life itself, and the warmth of her embrace is everything to him. 

"Mommy?" A hesitant, tiny voice asks, and Ashton pulls back, realizing that he's hugging a child doesn't know him. 

"Sorry." 

"Don't even." Mali doesn't let him apologize and instead readjusts the girl in her arms and turns so they'refacing the living room a bit more. "Kaia, this is your Uncle Ashton." 

Smiling, Ashton waves his hand slowly. "Hi, Kaia." She hides her face in Mali's shoulders and it's precious as can be, a stark contrast to much less comforting presence Mali used to give off growing up. Her hardened shell has softened with motherhood, and it looks good on her. 

"She's shy," she explains, a calming hand petting down the nape of Kaia's neck. "Her brother's asleep next door with Peter."

"Your _husband_ ," he repeats back, letting a layer of astonishment coat his voice. "I can't believe you're so grown up. 

With a mocking grin, Mali shrugs. "I've always been grown up," she says, and then her grin widens, and she's nudging Ashton with her shoulder. "So have you. Even when you were thirteen, you were too mature for everything." Ashton shrugs. "That must mean we're elderly now," she gasps, and Ashton laughs. 

"It definitely feels like it." 

There's pounding steps suddenly coming down the steps, and then Lauren's rushing into the room, cooing. "Is that Miss Kaia I see?"

At Lauren's voice, Kaia pulls her head out of her mom's neck, excitement sparkling in her dark brown eyes. "Lorn!" She says Lauren's name wrong, and then starts struggling until Mali puts her down, and she runs towards Lauren, who scoops her into a bear hug. 

"They'll be a little while," Mali says quietly, and when Ashton looks up, she's much closer than she was before, her voice dropped down so the other two don't hear. "Want to talk in the kitchen?" 

"I'd love to."

Emails are nothing compared to how at ease Ashton feels in Mali's presence. It's like everything's naturally clicked back into place, leaving no room for any discomfort or anxiety. He walks with his hands gripping her shoulders, practically being dragged as they make their way out, and she's laughing at him. 

"Take a seat," she shoves him towards the island. "I'll make us tea." 

"This is _my_ childhood home," he protests, but stumbles his way over regardless. 

"I've been here more." She's smirking, and it seems like a joke, but it stings. Ashton wishes he'd been here more the past few years, but a visit came with the risk of seeing Calum, and that wasn't something he could chance. "Besides, I can't just sit there, I have to keep moving after that drive," she explains. She turns on the tap, letting it blanket the kitchen in soft noise. "Now, tell me what you've been up to. Last I heard you were transferring offices from Berkeley to Mill Valley. What's that been like?"

Thinking back, that must've been the last time they spoke, but… "That was almost a year ago." 

Mali smiles sadly. "You don't call as much anymore."

It fills Ashton with a thick sadness, thinking about how little he keeps in touch with everybody. It's not intentional, it never is, but talking to anybody, bringing back memories and making the past seem like more than just a concept, it's like cement bullets ripping through his heart. 

"Sometimes talking to you reminds me too much of Calum," he finally admits. 

"You know…" Mali places the kettle on the stove and turns around. "He never told me what happened, but whatever it was broke you both."

Ashton doesn't confess anything, but he's been living in pain for the past decade almost, and as much as he wishes Calum's been thinking about him too, he hopes for him to be at peace. 

  
  
  


**December 24, 2011**

When Ashton slowly creaks Calum's bedroom door open and peaks through the dark crack, he lets out an annoyed sigh. Running over to the bed and throwing himself on top of Calum's still body. "I can't believe you fell asleep again!" He moves his arms over the blanket around Calum's waist in an attempt to tickle him, but it doesn't work well, a lazy smile stretching across his face instead of the usual giggling chaos. 

"I couldn't sleep _last_ night because I was so excited," he begins to explain, the words coming out slurred. He stretches, his joints loudly clicking into place, his foot nudging Ashton's shin as he does.. "The lack of sleep caught up with me." 

"You could've slept _aaaaall_ day, mister," Ashton tells him, eyes rolling with it. "There's no excuses." 

Not taking him seriously, just the same as he's done for the past fifteen years he's been alive, Calum only laughs at being chastised. "Maybe _that_ will be the tradition." 

"What?" Ashton asks sarcastically. "Me getting your sorry ass out of bed?" 

Calum grins widely. "Exactly!" He sits up quickly, and Ashton learned from last year, sitting far enough away that there's no accidental cranium collision. "I'm all cute and warm in bed, and you come in like a tornado to wake me up. It’s exciting." The imagery makes Ashton laugh, shaking his head. He doesn't say it, but Calum being all cute and warm in bed _does_ make it feel like a tornado is forming in his chest. "C'mon, what do you say? Next year, let's make it happen, yeah?" 

And that's the thought that makes Ashton's smile shrink, that lessens his excitement and brings up his nerves. The tornado in his chest moves south and sinks to the bottom of his gut like lead. He still hasn't told Calum about his offer to go to UC Berkeley yet - he doesn't know if he wants to go, if he wants to be that far from his friends and his family and his _Calum_. He doesn't know if he could stomach four years across the country. Hell, he doesn't know if he could stomach even bringing it up in the first place…

So he avoids it. 

"Yeah, just make me do all hard work," Ashton scoffs. It's meant to be a joke, but the sounds stick thickly in his throat. "Just like always."

"That's the plan!" 

  
  
  


**December 23, 2020**

The day after Mali's arrival, Ashton finds himself confronted with the reality of just what he's gone and done. He's back home in small town Illinois, less than twenty-four hours away from facing the reason he fled in the first place. Every tick of the clock is an amplified metronome sitting in his hollow brain, beating to the sounds of Calum's name. 

He finds himself in the kitchen, his cheese ball completed in the fridge, awaiting tomorrow's festivities at the Hood's home, which means he's all set, nothing else needing to be done. So he gets started on making all the pies for tomorrow. It was Lauren's project idea, but her boyfriend got back to town this morning, and she's spending time with him, introducing him to the family and preparing him for tomorrow. She'd suggested just buying the desserts, but following her very precise recipes gives Ashton something to do other than spend another stretch of time dry heaving into the toilet. 

He doesn't know what to do, how to make everything easier for himself. He isn't ready for tomorrow, for the rush of feelings that are going to come up and the words he hasn't thought to say yet.

All he has is a box under his bed and a heart full of fear. 

  
  
  


**December 25, 2014**

It's Ashton's third Christmas in Berkeley, and he thinks he's getting used to being away from his family. Every carol bites at his ears and the stringed-lights brightening the city are a cinch around his heart, but there's no snow, no nipping wind, and no Calum reminding him of how terribly he fucked things up, so it's not the absolute worst. 

Though if Ashton had his say, if he could remedy anything, it'd be that Mali didn't wait to return home when Ashton's gone. He's missed her with everything in him, and she's finally returning home, but he's across the country, and he's forced to Skype with her just to get the dirt on how everything's been at university for her. 

"Are you Facebook official and everything?" Ashton asks, shocked at the news as he's hearing it. 

Mali rolls her eyes at him exaggeratedly, making sure he sees it through their lagging connection. "Yes, _dad_ ," she sighs. "It's Facebook official and _everything_." 

"Only not really," he contradicts. "Because then I would have heard about it." They tell each other everything, and this is the first he's heard about _Peter_. It must be serious, apparently, and she brought him home for the holidays to meet the family, but it's something he's just now finding out about. 

"Maybe if you picked up your phone more often, you'd hear the gory details." 

Ashton cringes at the thought of hearing anything more than the most basic intel regarding her love life. "I don't need the gore, thanks anyways." Mali laughs, full-bodied, at his discomfort. "So how did your - "

"Mali," a low voice cuts off his question, and Mali looks up over the camera towards her doorway. Ashton can't see who it is, but, despite the amount of time it's been since he's last seen him, he knows, more than he's ever known anything in his life, that it's Calum. The sound of his voice alone echoes shivers down Ashton's spine, breaking his heart the way it broke three years ago. "Mom's showing Peter your yearbooks." Mali's eyes widen. "Just thought I'd let you know." 

A previously joyful looking Mali now looks panicked. "Man, I gotta go." She stands up, throwing her phone at the bed, leaving Calum to look at the ceiling. 

"Tell him Merry Christmas for me." 

Though he whispered it, Mali still hears him, asking, "Why don't you tell him yourself?" Her voice drifts further away as she speaks, and she's clearly gone from the room, but Ashton still shrugs. Even with nobody left to hear whatever answer he may have, he still comes up empty. 

  
  
  


**December 24, 2020**

Ashton's never been sick on an empty stomach, but tonight's going to be the night it happens. He's been so nervous that he hasn't eaten anything but a gingerbread cookie, and if he's speaking honestly, he didn't eat it all by himself. He only ate the head, giving the body to Kaia after he realized it wasn't sitting right in his stomach. 

Everyone's all gathered together, sharing stories and getting excited over future plans, but all Ashton can do is not sagely at every question asked of him as he awaits Calum's entrance, shaking down to his bones and blaming it on the cold. He's a mess of nervous energy, and he doesn't think he's going to be able to remember tonight as anything other than the night he falls apart completely, once and for all. 

After faking his way through a conversation with Lauren's boyfriend, Jamie, everyone's attention is pulled taut to where the front door creaks open. A body walks through, head down as he shakes his head free of snow and stomps his boots on the _Welcome!_ mat _._

It happens in slow motion, the new person looking up with a grin on his beautiful face, but it makes Ashton heart stop all the same.

  
  
  


**December 24, 2011**

For some reason, it feels like the stakes are bigger this year. Ashton's got so much to say, Calum's so full of spirit, and instead of making use of their time, they're focusing all of their energy into looking for an ornament to steal. Ashton's heart is pounding harder than every before, and the consequences have never been lower. 

Calum's the one to find the ornament, a small porcelain wreath with a big red bow on it. Painted on the bow is ' _C+A_ ' for Cathy and Andrew's, a local small trinket shop in town. But it feels symbolic, perfect for them and this moment, Ashton can't deny it, no matter how hard he wants to keep looking and occupying his time with nonsense. 

"This is perfect," Calum marvels, his breath coming out in the cold air and dancing around their frost-bitten bodies as they sit on a wooden bench and overlook the tree that's now one ornament short. "Better than last year for sure… no offense. I know this one is mine to keep." 

Pain hits Ashton's chest as he hears how genuinely distraught Calum sounds at having a better ornament than the one he gave Ashton last year. Calum, somehow, in the past year, has become all of Ashton's support and reason for being. He's his best friend and his sidekick, they’re gonna conquer the world together, Ashton knows it forsure. And if he has to pretend he doesn't want to cup Calum's puffy cheeks in his hands as they do, Ashton thinks he can do it if only to let everything they have stay as good as it has. He just has to get something off his chest, first "Calum, I - "

"Ashton." Just as he was about to open up, to ask Calum's opinion on Berkeley, wanting him to tell Ashton not to go, Calum giggles. "Look." 

He points up, and Ashton follows the path to see the mistletoe hanging off of the streetlamp directly above them. At any other time it'd be funny and Ashton would lean forward and peck Calum's red nose with a smile on his face just to hear the noise of surprise it'd draw from him, but everything feels too much to do that. He's full of fear about everything - his decisions, his emotions, his future, this wonderfully giggly boy in front of him. There's nothing else he can do but lean forward and claim Calum's lips under his own, eyes fluttering closed when he can't stop seeing the melting snowflakes on the curve of Calum’s cheeks. Calum gasps, kissing back eagerly, a rush to his movements that's so stupidly perfectly for him. He can't do anything calmly, too full of energy and excitement and everything pure and good. 

They pull away at the same time, and for a moment, it feels like they're the centerpiece to a holiday snow globe. They're two idiots in the freezing cold, sitting on a bench under a streetlamp of mistletoe, with the snow fluttering around them. It's perfect, and Ashton wishes he could live in this moment forever. 

"I'm in love with you." 

And the glass around them shatters. 

At Calum's confession, Ashton's scared, motionless, broken free from any bit of confidence he may have had just a moment ago. He sits silent far too long, Calum patiently staring at him, blinking slowly with his lip held between his teeth. It's all Ashton can do not to kiss him again, and instead says the only thing that's running through his mind. "I'm moving to California." 

"You're what?" 

Ashton was supposed to ask. He was supposed to bring it up gently and have Calum tell him to stay, and he absolutely _would've_ , but Calum sharing his emotions, looking at Ashton so earnestly as he says he's in _love_? It's been only two years of them spending time together. He's only fifteen … he doesn't know anything about life yet, let alone about love, and Ashton can't leave his future up to Calum when he's clearly not of his own mind. 

"Moving," Ashton answers decidedly, leaving no room for another choice. He's certain now that he has to go. They're so young and dumb, and they need space before Ashton knows if love is something that could even be in the books for them. "To California. I'm, um, I'm going to college out there. UC Berkeley." 

"Oh…" It sounds like Calum's been punched, and Ashton's knuckles ache like he's the one that's done it. "No," he shakes his head. "Ashton, that's incredible. I'm so proud of you." Ashton nods, but he doesn't feel satisfied with the response. "And you're… youre gonna come back, right?" 

The choked question, the desperation in it, sits heavily between them. Ashton's going to come back - he has to. He's going to miss his family too much, and he knows he can't live without returning to see Calum. He's been a rock in Ashton's life, and this year has been everything, but he can't let Calum rely on him. They're so young, and they both need the room to grow. 

"I don't know…"

"Oh." It's quiet between them. "What about, um." Calum's hand drifts up to his lips, touching the bottom one hesitantly. "What about that kiss?"

Ashton cringes at the confrontation of his own actions. "I'm so sorry, kid. That was a mistake."

"Kid?" Calum repeats, visibly rectilinear, scooting back on the bench. "Ashton, I'm almost 16, I'm not a kid." Ashton opens his mouth to disagree, but Calum shakes his head and keeps going. "And it wasn't a mistake. I told you, I love you."

"You didn't mean that." 

"Yes I _did_ ," he insists, eyes widening and mouth dropping. After everything Ashton's done in his life, he doesn't think he's ever done anything to upset someone as much as he's just done to Calum. "Don't you love me?" It's asked through a cracked voice, and Ashton doesn't say anything, and as he watches tears well up in Calum's beautiful brown eyes, he realizes that it says everything. "Oh, God." 

And with that Calum takes off, leaving behind Ashton, leaving behind the moment, and leaving behind the ornament that was so perfect but now represents everything Ashton's just taken from him. 

  
  
  


**December 24, 2020**

Just as handsome as he’s ever been, Calum makes his rounds and doesn’t so much as even _look_ Ashton’s way. He’s filled out quite nicely in the past eight years, sky-rocketed up taller than Ashton and put on muscle that makes his beautiful tan skin look even warmer. It’s like he took a look in the mirror one day, saw how perfect he looked, and decided to take it up a notch. 

Ashton’s hands are sweating, the box stuffed in the bottom of his luggage mocking him. He hasn’t decided whether or not to gift it, and seeing Calum now isn’t making anything even the slightest bit easier. Truly, he just doesn't know what to do. Does he confess that he's been in love with Calum for a decade? Does he bring up how incomplete he's felt since the day Calum left him in the town center holding a cold ornament, wishing he could be brave? Or does he pretend it never happened? That they’re just neighbors, that all they've ever been is two people in close proximity until life pulled them apart. 

The night that he has to decide turns out to only be a short hour and a half before Calum makes his way over, face blank, void of any emotion as he nods sagely. “Ashton…” 

Ashton’s mind is racing, swirling in a candy cane pattern as a million and a half responses float through his head, but in the end, all he says is, “Calum.” 

A slow smile stretches across Calum’s plump, soft lips and he pulls Ashton into a hug. 

  
  
  


**December 31, 2009**

It just might be the worst night of Ashton's life. He knows he's often dramatic, but this isn't an exaggeration even in the slightest. It's New Year's Eve, and Ashton's at the Hood's, spending his night outside, chilled to the bone from the crisp winter temperature, as he frowns at the dark blue sky. It's a new year tomorrow, and it's Mali's last year in town. Her break year ends in August, and then that's it - she's gone. She's going to school in Boston, light years away from everybody, and the entire family is inside watching _New Year's Rockin’ Eve,_ pretending that nothing is wrong and that everything is going to be okay. 

"Why are you moping?"

Ashton turns around at the sudden judgemental voice to see Calum, with a blanket wrapped around his narrow shoulders, staring at him from the open doorway, the screen door shut behind him. He rolls his eyes. "I'm not _moping_ , okay?" He faces forward again, not wanting to look at Calum and give him the satisfaction of being noticed. "I'm pondering. It's something us adults do."

"You're 15, and you're moping," he says matter-of-factly. 

Ashton scoffs. He's so sick of Calum butting his head into Ashton's life lately. It's always been bad, but this past year it's like going through puberty made him even more of a nuisance. "Look, _kid_ ," he bites, knowing Calum hates their age difference as much as Ashton loves to point it out. "I'm going through a lot right now, okay? My best friend is moving away for school, and I'm gonna be left alone in this stupid town to rot away like everybody else. It _sucks_." 

Nothing is said for a moment, but then there's a light weight around his shoulders, and Ashton sees the edges of the blanket Calum was wearing now embracing his own upper body. "You're an icicle." 

"Yeah, well… it's December." 

"Not for long," Calum reminds him, and Ashton shrugs. He's not wrong. And after this year, Ashton is going to be all alone. "If you wanna talk, I'm a really good listener." 

It's almost funny because Calum most definitely is _not_ a good listener. He's good at talking and not understanding that being told to go away isn't a joke and that Ashton really doesn't want to see him. And no, he _definitely_ doesn't want to talk to him about his feelings, but if it's all that he's got… "It' s just, like, Christmas means nothing to me anymore. Why are we celebrating anything if the whole family isn't together?" 

"Well, we celebrated before Lauren and Harry, so we can do it without Mali." Suddenly there's weight next to Ashton on the creaky steps, and Calum's sitting down, taking up the other half of Ashton's makeshift seat.. "Plus, she'll be back every once in a while." 

"Yeah but not _every_ year." Even when she comes to visit, everybody's going to want to talk to her about school and work and Boston, and Ashton's going to be shoved to the sideline like he's not her best friend in the entire world, like Christmas isn't _their_ thing. "Our tradition is ruined. What am I supposed to do now?" 

"I can help." 

Ashton rolls his eyes at Calum, once again, trying to shove himself in where he wasn't invited. "It's a me and Mali thing," he reminds Calum, not caring that he sounds snotty with it. 

"Why can't it be an Irwin-Hood thing?" Calum asks, not sounding even the least bit put off at Ashton's attitude. "I wanna do it. I always wanna hang out with you. You're my favorite person."

It's been years and years of Calum trying to join in on the tradition despite not even knowing what it's about. They could be planting turnips in the crack of a frozen sidewalk, and Calum would still be tripping over his own feet in an attempt to join them. "You don't even know what the traditions are." 

"I don't care." And it really sounds like he does. "I never cared. I just wanted to be with you." 

It shouldn't, seeing that it's from his best friend's irritating younger brother, but hearing those words has Ashton feeling a lot better. "That wouldn't be so bad." He looks over and Calum's smiling, but it looks more sad than it usually does, so Ashton adds, "it'd be pretty awesome, actually," and feels noticeably lighter when Calum's smile brightens. 

"So what's the tradition?" Calum asks. 

Ashton never gets to answer because as he goes to open his mouth, the screen door is swinging open and David's on the porch, shouting, "Boys, get your butts moving, the countdown is starting. " 

"I'll tell you next year," Ashton whispers, revealing in Calum's returning giggle as they both make their way inside for the countdown. 

  
  
  


**December 24, 2020**

"Listen," Lauren yells. She's trying to defend herself as she yells over Mali and Ashton's mocking of her. "Ashton’s _still_ paying off his student debt. I made a wise choice." 

They're all in the kitchen, stealing snacks directly from the trays on the counter, as they all catch up with each other. Mali and Ashton are giving Lauren a hard time for staying home for school and not branching out like they did. It's fun, watching her get flustered as she tries to defend herself, and it almost feels like everything is back to normal again, back to the way it was when they were all teenagers. It'd be exactly as it was, but only now, Ashton's chest is tight with Calum right next to him at the counter. It isn't with fear, though, it's something akin to finally coming home, finally feeling _right_. 

"Yeah, but I'm almost completely paid off," Ashton grins. Mali's across from him, nodding, always on his side when it comes to these little teases. "I'm living in California, and I'm working at my dream job." 

"Right," Lauren agrees, nodding alongside the two of them. "But by staying at home for school, I'll be exactly where you are in half the time." 

Ashton rolls his eyes, opening his mouth to add another layer of icing onto their argument, but then Mali's cutting in, "Alright, okay. You both made good decisions in your own way." Her hands are on their shoulders like she's mediating because that's what she always did, and that's something that'll never change. "But living at home or not, you're both in debt because you didn't study enough. Maybe if you tried harder you could've gone full ride like your favorite neighbor." 

Ashton shrugs her hand off his shoulder, turning to the other two. "Has her ego always been this big?" 

"Yes," Calum, Lauren and Mali all agree at the same time. 

"But you love me anyway," Mali adds. 

"Do I?" They stare each other down, both grinning, waiting for the other to say or do something, but neither of them budge. It's silly and ridiculous, and everything it used to be, but better because time and life still haven't dulled their shine. 

"So," Lauren interrupts the staring contest, making Ashton and Mali look away from each other, stupid smiles still on their faces. "Reno, Calum. What made you pack up and move to the desert?" 

The question grabs Ashton's attention in an instant, and he's no longer thinking about Mali and the games they play - too busy falling a bit in love with the way Calum smirk as he licks his teeth. "It's not as desolate as it sounds," he says. "I'm staying in the city, in a high rise. I'm only there for another year, and then I get to relocate again." 

"So you're just going to travel the country?" Lauren marvels, eyes sparkling at the idea. Ashton would typically be right there beside her but something about Calum not living such a small travel distance for much longer doesn't sit right with him. 

"Until I want to settle down someplace," he answers with a half-shrug. "I have to find somewhere worth making a home, though." 

"Well, I'm proud of you, Cal." 

They get back to the conversation at hand, the one that started everything, and Lauren picks up her story. Ashton's mind is still running, still feeling the high of everyone being together again and everything going so perfectly, that he doesn't feel any anxiety as he leans over, his shoulder nudging Calum's, and mentions, "you know, Reno isn't that far from me. " 

"When can I expect your visit then?" Calum wonders, looking up at Ashton from under his eyelashes. It's almost flirty, _definitely_ suggesting something, and Ashton feels his eyes widen in surprise as a hot shiver draws down his spine. 

"Hey!" Everybody's focused is pulled, their heads whipping straight to the entryway where Harry's stomping his way over to the table, an upset frown on his face. "Why am I stuck with the babies?" 

His frame of question is funny and familiar in a way that has Ashton laughing in his face. "Didn't you say to yourself that you were a kid? 

"Because I am," he bites back in a way that makes It sounds like he wanted to say ' _duh_ ' instead. "That doesn't mean I don't want to hang out with you all."

"Maybe you're too young," he shrugs, "You ever think of that?" 

It's said as a joke, and Harry picks up on that, but Calum nudges his side. "When you were fourteen, you demanded to be one of the adults."

"And I'm _sixteen,_ " he emphasizes, a moment away from sticking his tongue out. "I have my permit and everything." 

"Come on over, Harry." Mali lifts her arm and waves Harry over. He eagerly makes his way to the other side of the table. "If you can't hang with Ashton, you can hang with me."

"You're prettier anyway." 

Though this is new, and Harry never had this much of a personality at the time they were last together, it brings that warm, familiar glow to Ashton's heart. Everything feels so right, and Ashton can't help but wonder why he took so long to come back when it's clearly where he belonged all along. He can't imagine going another holiday without the snow frosting outside his window, his family all around him, and the comfort of being home wrapping him like a blanket. 

"Hey…" Mali starts, her voice suddenly much lower than it was just a moment before. She has a mischievous grin on her face, something sickly sweet and frightening that has Ashton on the balls of his feet, leaning forward to hear what she has to say. "Are we doing it tonight?" 

"Doing what?" Harry asks, looking between everyone confused. 

And… _fuck._ With everything else going on the past few days, Ashton hadn't even thought about the tradition. It's odd that he didn't, seeing as it was the centerpiece of everything that made him frightened for the trip. 

"Of course," Calum agrees, and suddenly the pressures on him, Lauren and Harry confused as to what they're doing as Mali and Calum look to Ashton for an answer. He chuckles at how far they've all come, at what a twist that life turned to make _him_ the deciding factor. 

"I wouldn't miss it."

  
  
  


**December 20, 2002**

"Rapunzel Barbie. Easy." 

While Joy and David go out to buy the last of the necessities for their upcoming Christmas celebration, Anne-Marie is watching the kids. And by that, of course, it means Ashton's entertaining them in the living room as they watch _The Year Without A Santa Claus_ together and eating all of the candy canes they can get their sticky hands on. 

They've been talking about presents, what they think their parents are getting them, and what, if they could have anything in the world, they would ask for. Mali already knows what Ashton would want to get, but Ashton doesn't know what _she'd_ get. At least, that is, until now. 

"Mom says they're sold out, but I think that's just because she already bought it for me," she continues saying. There's a sneaky grin on her face that only gets bigger when Calum gasps from his cushion on the floor - the one Ashton made him sit on because he and Mali wanted to stretch out. 

"You're not supposed to know that!" 

Though Calum looks distraught at the fact that Mali thinks her mom bought her a gift, she looks absolutely elated about the reveal. Ashton can only shake his head that Calum gave her Christmas present away, and Mali leans forward to verify, "She got it for me? That's my present?"

"That's one of them," Calum groans, "but you're not supposed to know!"

With a snort, Ashton tells him, "You just ruined Christmas."

"No, I didn't!" Calum looks torn, his expression melting into something broken and scared. Mali reaches down and rubs his shoulders, comforting him. 

"Don't listen to him, Calum," she consoles him. "What do you want for Christmas?"

Calum huffs, and Ashton rolls his eyes. He's such a dramatic baby, always taking things too seriously and not understanding that not everything is the end of the world. Ashton can't wait for the Hoods to get back from shopping. He loves having Mali over, but he doesn't get why Calum always has to tag along, all he does is whine and latch onto Ashton like they're friends or something. It's unfair. 

"I don't know," Calum avoids answering. "I just want to be with everyone." 

It's such a bad answer, and Ashton hates him for being such a people pleaser and pretending not to care about getting gifts. It's stupid, and Ashton sees right through, sees that he's a big fat liar. "You don't even want a toy?" 

" _No,_ " he insists, doubling down on his answer. "I don't care about toys. I just like spending time with everybody." 

It’s so dumb, Ashton decides. Calum’s six - he should want toys and candy and toys and toys and toys. He should have a million toys on his list, and he has none. It’s annoying. “Well, _I_ want toys.” 

“Of course you do,” Mali laughs. “You want a Furby.” 

“A Furby?” 

At Calm’s question, Ashton wants to groan. Of course Mali has to open her big mouth all the time and ruin the secrets they share together. “ _Yes_ , Calum.” He decides to pretend it’s not that big of a deal instead of showing Calum how much he cares - that’s too much information for his worst enemy to have. “I want a Furby. My dad promised it for me, and I never got it but I want it.” 

It was the year his dad left. A few weeks before Christmas they were shopping together, and Ashton mentioned really wanting a Furby. They didn’t have the money - cash was always really tight with them - but before they left the store, his dad promised that he’d see the Furby by Christmas. It’s been four years since that promise was made, and Ashton’s perfect present never found its way under the tree. 

“I’ll buy it for you!” 

Ashton’s pulled from his memories and scoffs at Calum’s offer. “You’re _five_ Calum. Save your allowances for something better like _diapers_.” 

“But you really want it!”

“Not anymore,” Ashton lies. “And not from you! Just forget it.” Every time he thinks of his dad it breaks his heart, and he can’t break down in front of Calum; he’s not a _baby_. 

Calum nods and turns to face the television, but as he goes, he says, “One day, I'll have a big job and I’ll buy it for you.” 

“And then I’ll burn it!” Ashton shouts, and Calum turns back around in surprise, his eyes immediately narrowing when he sees Ashton’s scowl. They sit there glaring at each other, and Mali looks on worried, until the door opens behind them and David and Joy call their two kids home. 

  
  
  


**December 24, 2020**

When they all head their separate ways after the party ends, Ashton stays vigilant, inspired by who he used to be, and he sits outside of his mom's bedroom with his ear pressed to the door, just _waiting_ for the moment they can kick things into gear. It doesn't happen immediately, but as soon as Anne Marie starts snoring, Ashton's in Lauren's room.

"Wake up, wake up, wake up!" He whisper-shouts, running to her bed and shaking her shoulders. Her boyfriend stays unmoving next to her, but Lauren groans and snuffles further into her sheets. "I mean it, Laur. It's time to go."

"Stnuuuu tranixa…" 

Ashton stares at her, trying to decode what she's said but nothing registers in his mind. "What - "

"This is a stupid tradition!" She yells, and Ashton laughs as she sits up and runs a stressed hand through her hair before remembering it's in a ponytail and her fingers get stuck. "God, go away so I can get ready, asshole." 

Happy to be halfway done with his summoning, he leaves the room and walks across the hall to _his_ old room, the one Harry's taken over for the past few years. He finds Harry already dressed ready to go, sitting in his bed, staring at the doorway. "I'm ready."

"You're really weird," Ashton tells him. "This is weird." He gestures to Harry's everything, especially his perfect posture and half-lidded eyes. Harry's a _weird_ kind. 

They walk downstairs together, and about five minutes later Lauren comes down and joins them. She looks miserable, but if Ashton's being honest, the frown on her face is precious. "This is dumb, you're all dumb. It's a vacation, we should be sleeping." 

"You can go back upstairs and join your boyfriend," Harry tells her and she groans, trudging her way over to where her boots are sitting by the door. 

"No, I cannot. I have to see this through to prove to you just how dumb it is."

"That means she's excited," Ashton faux-whispers and Harry glares up at him. 

"I know what it means." 

Leaving them behind, Lauren starts the charge out the door. It feels so different from before. Ashton used to sneak put along and slip into the Hoods' house through a window left unlocked in David's office to grab the sibling accompanying him. Now, though, when they leave the house, Calum and Mali are both waiting on the porch, the latter glaring at the late entrance. "Took you long enough." 

"Lauren threw a tantrum," Ashton explains, running down the steps and beginning the walk down the sidewalk. 

"No I didn't, oh my god." Lauren follows after him with stomping steps. "Why are you so dramatic?" 

"Ahh, to be so unaware of the tradition she's stepping into," Mali teases. 

Soon all of them are heading down the sidewalks, different levels of excitement buzzing through their bodies from Lauren who's curious but still tired to Harry who's bouncing on the balls of his feet, making Ashton wonder if there are springs in his shoes. "Can I drive?" He asks as he drifts from the back of the line up to the front. "I remembered to grab my permit."

Calum snorts, and Ashton hides his grin by glancing down at his feet. "We're walking, buddy."

" _Walking?!_ " 

"What do you _think_ we did?" Mali asks sarcastically. She catches up to where Harry's standing, horrified at the prospect of walking, and wraps her arms around his shoulder. "Stole our parents cars at twelve years old?"

"You guys started this when you were twelve?" 

At Lauren's question, Ashton actually has to think back for a moment, has to try and remember when he and Mali got started. "I think we were eight and eleven actually." 

The first year they completed the heist, Ashton wanted to do something crazy, to get out of the house because he couldn't sleep, and he didn't want to wake his mom and siblings up. Mali had shared a story about walking to town the week before, and it didn't sound so bad, so Ashton went with her. The real positive about the walk wasn't how far they got on their own, though. It was how much they opened up to each other on the way. It's the night they _truly_ became best friends. 

"See," Mali points out smugly. "Even younger. Let's get going." She and Harry take off down the street, deciding to race, as Lauren speedwalks after them. About halfway down the road, Harry falls on his butt, his legs kicking out and taking Mali with them. The sound of their laughter echoes down the empty, white street. 

Calum falls back a few steps so he's walking in time with Ashton. Ashton turns, cataloging his every, perfect feature in the blue light of the moon. "You haven't said much," he points out, and Calum only grins. 

"I'm a man of few words." The words make Ashton's stomach twist because though it may be true for his character nowadays, it wasn't always that way. Calum always used to be the first to fill the silence with a rambling story, but in all the time that Ashton's been away, it changed. "Besides, I was enjoying the moment of how it used to be." 

How it used to be before Ashton ruined it, is what he really means. Ashton swallows a lump in his throat, holding back any chance at saying the wrong thing and ruining the present time. Now is not the time to be so in his feelings. They're reliving their childhood and Ashton cant be sad. He can taint their tradition _again_. 

"If this was _really_ how it used to be, you'd be talking my ear off and trying to get me to sneak into the high school so you can run in the halls without getting in trouble," Ashton teases instead. Calum giggles, and Ashton's entire body is hit with a chill that wraps so sweetly around his bones. It's magic, and he wants to live in this moment forever. 

There's a scream way ahead and Ashton can see Lauren in a snowbank, and Mali high-fiving Harry. It's clear she was pushed, and Ashton shakes his head. 

"We'd be doing all that, too," Calum points put. 

"Fighting each other?"

" _Playing,"_ he corrects with a saccharine-sweet grin, looking at the flattened snow on the road. "You always thought you were so grown up and too high above it all, but you were a kid, and that's called playing. We'd be pushing each other and racing and making the most of the tradition."

It's true. Looking back, as insistent as Ashton was about being an adult, he was so immature, so unready for the world and what it was and how it would treat him. Those days, the time he spent demanding everyone treat him like an adult, were also the days he spent having snowball fights and sneaking cookies and building blanket forts. He was just a child, and he didn't even enjoy it as fully as he should've when he had the chance. 

"Did you ever, uh…" Ashton clears his throat, not wanting to get choked up in the sentimentality of it all. "After I left, I mean. Did you continue - " 

"No."

"You didn't pick up and start pulling Lauren?" He rephrases his question, and Calum shakes his head. 

"It wasn't worth it anymore." 

Something in his delivery sends Ashtons mind sideways, confusing him. "But you tried for _years_ to join us. Why would you just stop? That's eight years of ornaments you missed out on." 

Calum scoffs, and lets the moment sit quietly between them. It's only after Ashton's thoughts have done two laps in his head that Calum says, "It was never about the ornament, Ashton. It's always just been about you." 

  
  
  


**December 21, 2011**

It's only four days until Christmas, and the living room is flooded with gifts for everybody the Irwins have ever met in their life. They're so far behind on everything, and Ashton's been recruited to help wrap gifts with his mom. He has his very own tape-dispensing wristband and a pair of pink and blue scissors to get the job done. He likes to pretend he's not too into the spirit, but he's an expert and wrapping gifts, and he lives any chance he has to show it off. 

"Thank you so much, Ash," his mom thanks him. She's tying bows and ribbons expertly around each box as Ashton hands it over.. "Don't tell your sister I said this, but she has no coordination." 

There's a twist of pride that settles smugly in his chest at the compliment and he laughs. "No problem. You know I don't mind." He looks over after finishing the last box of gifts for Harry who's still at school and notices one of the ribbons on a completed box is hanging limp. He uses the edge of his scissors to curl it and then turns to his mom. "What's next?" 

Anne-Marie looks around humming before she points to a pile sitting next to the television. "Go ahead and do all of Mali's for me, dear. I have to bring them to Joy and David tonight so they can drive them out to her for New Years." 

A year ago it would've hurt to hear, the confirmation that she's not coming home for the holidays yet again. It still makes him sad, it always will, but it's not as strong as it used to be. Calum came out with him last year to execute the tradition, and they've been spending nearly every day together throughout the year. They've really become a package deal, and as much as Ashton hates to admit it, they're much closer than he and Mali were. Sure, Mali's his best friend, but there's something between him and Calum that's electric and intoxicating and _much_ better than anything he's ever had with Mali. 

The front door opens and shuts, and then Lauren's walking into the room with a stack of envelopes. There's a giant yellow one separate from the pile that she's shaking. "I have your college rejection letter, big bro." Ashton rolls his eyes, shaking his head as he starts unrolling the paper. 

"Lauren, honey," his mom says sweetly. "That doesn't look like a rejection." And she's right. Ashton realizes that a packet usually shows an acceptance. He doesn't know which school it is, but if anything, it looks like it'll have a welcoming package inside. He crosses his fingers that it's Northwestern University. Just a thirty minute drive into the city, he'll be able to come visit every weekend. Calum can come stay with him sometimes even. it'll be absolutely perfect. 

Lauren rolls her eyes and throws the envelope on top of the half-wrapped present in front of Ashton. He picks it up and opens it, only to see the UC Berkeley logo up top, making him gasp. It's not his first school, or second or even _fifth_ . It's one he applied to so freaking optimistically because he didn't think he had a chance. It was a dumb chance he took in applying because their architecture program is so damn incredible, and he didn't _actually_ think they'd consider him. 

"Ashton Irwin," He reads off,voice shaky and full of utter disbelief. "We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to the university of California Berkeley's fall semester class of 2016." 

The room is quiet until Anne-Marie repeats back, "Berkeley?"

"Mom, I didn't think I'd get in." Ashton sounds terrified, but his mom only laughs. 

"I can't say I'm eager to have you move across the country, but I'm so proud of you, baby. This is incredible, and you deserve it." He smiles sadly, and his mom frowns back. "What's wrong? What are you thinking about?" 

"It's so _far_ ," he whines, but his mom nods in understanding. "They have such a good program, but I'd be away from you and Lauren and Harry." 

"That's true."

"And…" He dry swallows, his mom just sitting watching patiently until he confesses, "I don't know what I'd do not seeing Calum everyday."

Lauren laughs, interrupting the scared moment Ashton's having. "Sounds like you have a crush on him," she mocks. 

Ashton throws his tape-dispensing wristband at her.

  
  
  


**December 24, 2020**

They let Harry steal the ornament. 

Truly, it was the only option. Lauren was never a part of the heist, but Harry's still at the age that this is something _special_ , that he can take this night and make it more than just something fun over Christmas vacation. He ends up picking some tacky banana ornament, but it's silly and childish and so completely perfect for everything the tradition has ever been about. 

Through the course of searching for their perfect target, Ashton can't stop staring at Calum, can't stop thinking about what he said, everything always being about Ashton. The last time they were here together, the last time Ashton was _ever_ here, they shared a kiss, and Ashton let it ruin everything. He wishes he could go back in time and change the way he handled that night - maybe everything would be different, maybe they'd be together. Though a bitter, contempt-filled version of him can't help but wonder if he would've just found another way to ruin everything. 

"Hey!" Mali's shout pulls Ashton's gaze away from Calum's profile. "Where's the last one?" And _fuck_ if Ashton hadn't _completely_ forgotten that aspect of the tradition. "We have to put the last one back." Back after Mali went away for school, Ashton stopped replacing the ornaments in the way they should've, and it completely slipped his mind that it'd be something that she'd ask about.. 

"What is she talking about?" Calum wonders 

The second part of the tradition, the one he never shared with Calum, was that every time they stole an ornament, they'd replace it with the one they'd taken the year before. When they were kids, Ashton always felt guilty about stealing from the town, so Mali thought this was a way to amend that guilt. When it came time for Calum to join in, the guilt felt like less of a pressing issue. Ashton shrugs in lieu of a real answer. "It's just this thing we used to do. It's nothing really."

"Another part of the tradition?" His brown eyes are sparkling, a twinkle that's comparable to the bulbs on the tree. There's a familiar youthful glow about it that throws Ashton back eight years. "You have to tell me everything!" He sits down on the bench they're standing in front of, and Ashton realizes that the exact bench is the last positive and first negative memory Calum must have of him, and it burns. He dry swallows, wanting to sit anywhere but there,, but Calum just pats the seat, calling him down, and he's forced to sit hesitantly. "So what - " 

"Ashton!" Mali shouts, this time with a lot more impatience. "Where's the goddamn ornament?" 

"I don't have it." 

"You don't - " she huffs out a frustrated breath, her shoulders lifting and dropping dramatically with it. "Way to ruin the tradition!" Ashton grimaces at her pointed anger. "Come on, let's head back then." 

She leaves, Harry and Lauren following, marveling at their new stolen treasure. Ashton goes to stand and follow, but Calum's hand on his arm stops him. "Tell me what I'm missing." 

For some reason, the hopeful glint to him has Ashton's heart racing. He doesn’t know why, but this feels like he's exposing himself, exposing something deep that was never meant to see the light of day. "We used to bring back the last year's ornament to replace the one we were stealing."

Calum doesn't say anything at first, just sitting, waiting, but then he asks, "Why?" 

"Stealing made me feel guilty."

"Then why didn't you tell me?" Calum's grinning like everything's light,, and the snow is falling around them soft and perfect, and it's exactly where they were all those years ago. Ashton looks up and behold, the mistletoe is sitting exactly where it was. 

Following his eyes, Calum looks up and sees it. Ashton watches as he swallows harshly and looks back down. He doesn't say anything, can't say anything when everything is so familiar are heartbreaking and wonderful, so he just leans in, lifts Calum's chin, and kisses his cheek. 

It's not what it was the first time, but Ashton thinks it has much more meaning behind it. He stands up and starts walking away, not sure he has the courage to say anything at all. 

Calum doesn’t go after him. 

  
  
  


**December 28, 2018**

Because Michael’s parents flew out to celebrate the holidays with their son and son-in-law, this year, Ashton’s Christmas celebration got pushed a few days back. He spent the actual day facetiming his mom and siblings and then marathoning the Die Hard movies for no other reason than they were playing on cable. 

Now, though, now he can _really_ celebrate Christmas the way he was supposed to - completely plastered at Michael’s place, scrolling his social media and comparing his life to that of those he went to highschool and university with. Michael’s long since disappeared into the night to restock their snack table, and Luke’s just in the corner, mind lost in listening to the new vinyl record Ashton gave him for Christmas. 

Suddenly, on Ashton’s feed, a picture of a familiar smiling face pops up, and Ashton’s heart stops cold in his chest. Mali, with her daughter only a year old, decided to stay home in Boston for the holiday, but it looks like Calum went out to see her if the uploaded photos are anything to go by. There he is, smiling something so fucking beautiful at the baby in his arm, and Ashton’s chest tightens to the point that he doesn’t realize he can’t breathe until he hears the sobbing, gasping breaths he’s struggling to take in. 

“Woah, Ash,” Luke sits up, looking across the room, suddenly much more alert than he’s been all night. “What’s wrong?” Ashton shakes his head. He can't say anything, can hardly even breathe. Luke walks across the room, taking long strides until he can reach the bottle of liquor in Ashton’s trembling hands. 

“I… I…” 

Luke grabs the phone from his hands looking at the screen. “What’s this?” He turns to show the screen to Ashton, but seeing Calum’s face again just makes him sob harder. “Calum Hood?” he reads from the screen. “Ashton, who…”

Sensing that this is something more than just a one night stand or a fling from his past, Luke doesn’t ask, doesn’t want to put pressure on him, but somehow, someway, Ashton manages to stop crying and tells Luke the full story. From the day Ashton’s father left to the Furby shoved in his arm with a suggestion to let it burn, he spills every little detail. “Please don't tell anyone,” he begs with a thick voice when he finishes, clinging onto Luke’s arm as his tears soak through his shirt. “Please. I don’t… I don’t wanna be some tragic story to anyone else.” 

“I’ll take it to my grave,” he promises, and Ashton nods his appreciation. “But I don't think you're a tragic story.” 

“I am!” Ashton sobs out. “I'm just a disaster.” 

“I think your happy ending is on its way” Luke continues like Ashton never interrupted. His hand rubs consolingly on Ashton’s back as he keeps his voice low. “You're just in the middle right now.” Ashton shakes his head. “Every good story has angst. You've just yet to get out of yours.” It helps, in a small way. Ashton doesn’t think he believes it, but right now they’re the words he needs to hear. 

They sit silently together until the door opens and Michael walks in with a back of food. “Hey!” he yells when he notices Ashton’s tear-streaked face. “What the fuck is this?” Ashton prays Luke doesn’t open his big mouth and spill the one secret he has in this world. 

“Ashton lost at BioShock, and now he's throwing a tantrum,” Luke lies, and Ashton sniffles in his arms. 

  
  
  


**December 25, 2020**

All day, as everybody ate breakfast and shared memories and celebrated being together again, Ashton and Calum have been dancing around each other. It isn’t like last year, there's no animosity, but there's a charged barrier keeping them apart. 

They can’t seem to find their footing like they did so perfectly last night, hovering in each other’s general spaces, but neither of them wanting to take the first step. The family all exchanges gifts, but Ashton never put his to Calum under the tree, too afraid that it’d reveal too much in front of too many people, and the last thing he wants is to have Calum resent him for embarrassing him in front of their entire families. There’s a hesitance between them, their eyes drifting to each other and away, catching on one another a few times too many. 

After all the presents are opened, as everyone filters to the kitchen for dinner, Ashton grabs Calum and pulls him into the same bathroom as eight years ago, needing to give him the gift when they’re alone, but not wanting to wait another moment. 

“This feels familiar,” Calum comments, voice slightly shaky, nerves lacing the undertone of it. Ashton’s stomach is twisted. “Hey, what's going on?”

Ashton shoves a small box in Calum’s hand. “You were right to call me a coward,” he rushes out. “I was a scared kid in love, and I didn't handle it right.”

“… love?” 

“I think so,” he chokes. “I didn't know then, I was too caught up in my own head, but I've been in love with you - ”

“Wait…” Calum cuts him off, “like present tense?”

Ashton looks up and sees Calum looking at him wide-eyed and slack-jawed, and it hits Ashton just how much he fucked up, revealing too much when Calum’s already moved on. “No, no, I - ”

“What’s in the box, Ashton?” 

“It’s nothing,” he insists, wanting more than anything to rip the box from Calum’s hand. They had their moment eight years ago. They’re both adults with jobs. Calum’s probably dating somebody, long since gotten over his tiny school-boy crush on Ashton. This might just be the most humiliating moment of his life. “Nevermind.” 

“Ashton…” Calum’s smiling now, but Ashton doesn’t understand what kind of game he’s playing. He’s sweating and his head is spinning. He doesn’t know what’s happening, and he wipes his hands on the denim of his jeans, flustered. “What’s in the box?” 

“I never, um,” Ashton shakes his head, speaking past the tears stuck in his throat. “Last night you asked, remember, about why I never told you about returning the ornaments.” Calum nods, and Ashton takes in a shallow breath, focusing his eyes at the wall behind Calum. “It’s because I never wanted to give back a moment of our time together, and, um, I felt like giving back the ornament was saying we never had that night.”

Calum blinks slowly, and for a moment Ashton thinks he’s going to laugh, but then he looks down. “What’s in the box, Ashton?” 

“It’s the - ”

Just as Ashton’s about to explain, Calum starts tearing into the present, ripping the paper apart. He gets down to the cardboard box, the same one Ashton packed with care when he left Illinois all that time ago, only to find the very same small porcelain wreath with a big red bow on it, painted with ' _C+A_ ' on it. 

“Ashton…” his voice is small, almost a gasp. Ashton shakes his head. “It’s stupid.” 

“It’s not,” Calum insists. “It’s so… you’re so…” The fear inside Ashton is telling him he’s about to get yelled at, but then Calum leans forward and kisses him. It’s in a half-bath just outside of the kitchen where all of their family is getting ready for dinner, and it’s perfect. “I've known I've loved you since I was thirteen years old,” Calum explains, and Ashton takes a shaky breath. “I’ve probably loved you longer. But I… God, Ashton. I followed you around like some lovesick puppy just hoping you'd _look_ at me and now… now you're saying you loved me too?” 

“I did…” Ashton says, it all bursting out of him in one breath, desperate for the kiss to mean what Ashton’s thinking it does. “I, I _do_.” 

“Why…” Calum bites his lip. “Why didn't you say anything that night?” 

Ashton shakes his head. “I was scared.” 

“And now?” Calum asks, but Ashton’s not sure of what he wants to hear, so Calum expands, “Are you scared now?” 

“I’m terrified,” he confesses. “But I'm even more terrified of going another eight years without you in my life.” 

Calum’s responding laugh is wet, full of unshed tears, but it’s not sad. He leans in, capturing Ashton’s lips between his own, and it should be _everything_ , a moment that lasts forever, but it’s cut short when the door opens, and Ashton’s nuisance of a little sister is gasping, “ _Finally_. 

The arrival has Ashton and Calum jumping apart, looking up to see Lauren, Mali, and David standing on the other side of the threshold watching on with surprised faces. Ashton wipes his lips with the back of his hand and grins at their family.

“So what’s everybody doing for New Year’s then?” 

  


**Author's Note:**

> [Here's a shareable post!](https://fourdrunksluts.tumblr.com/post/634447308882395136/5-seconds-of-ficmas-by-reversecow-and)


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